Jealousy is an inborn trait. It can’t be prevented but can be moderated. Many children react to the coming of a new one in the family by yearning to be a baby again. So they may want the bottle again, may relapse into baby talk and act helpless about doing things for themselves. Parents should be wise enough to humour the baby at these moments. Supposing the child is old enough to undress himself, but now wants the parents to do so, the parents can do so.
When the child realises that he is not being denied what he wants, but it is no delight also, he will gradually lose the habit. The older child should be made proud of his maturity and his being skillful, big and strong. At the same time, the parents, once in a while, should point out casually towards the helplessness of the younger child. This will make the child take pride in self as a “grown up” and also he will realize that there are many disadvantages in being a small baby.
One of the best ways in which to help the older child get over the pain of having a younger rival is not to make him feel a rival at all. The child should be made to feel that he is not competing in the same league with the baby; he is infact bigger than him. The child should be made to act as if he is no longer a child, but a “third” parent to the younger one. If the older child feels secure and not threatened by the baby, he will shower him with love, teach him new things, give him toys, assist in feeding, bathing and other routine chores of the smaller one, try to protect him from dangers, comfort him etc.
The parents should show genuine appreciation of the efforts of the child in caring for the young one. A child always wants to hold the younger baby and kiss and cuddle him. The parents are afraid that the young one may get injured as the older child may drop him. Making them sit on the floor on a rug can eliminate this risk. In these ways the parents can help transform resentful feelings of jealousy into one of co-operation and genuine altruism. Parents should make the child mentally prepared for the arrival of a new baby in advance so that he gets used to the idea gradually.
The arrival of the baby should change his life as little as possible. It is tactful to play down the new baby during the first few weeks. Don’t get too excited over it. Don’t talk a lot about it, particularly in front of the older child.
Jealousy may take on many different forms and all of them may not be manifest. Most of the parents say that the older one loves the younger one very much. If that were the case, then there wouldn’t be a word like “sibling rivalry and jealousy.” So it is always wise to assume that though there is a lot of love, there is a bit of jealousy, too.
The child may be fond of the baby otherwise, but may sulk and feel hurt if others admire the baby and shower it with love and attention, thus not paying any attention to him. Similarly when the parents come home from their work and the first thing they want to see and love is the small baby, the older one is bound to feel resentment and hurt. Rather the parents should first enquire about and love the older one (the younger one anyhow is too small at this stage to understand all this) and only after that turn their attention towards the smaller baby.
A child may not show any overt signs of jealousy, but may suddenly, one fine day, not let the younger one touch his toys or things. Sometimes the older one in a fit of rage or jealousy may beat up the younger one or harass him. In these circumstances the parents should be very firm and let the older one know that his browbeating is something they don’t appreciate, just as they won’t appreciate if someone bigger than him browbeats him. At the same time they should reassure the older one that they love him a lot.
In fact the older child requires this type of reassurance a lot off and on, again and again. Parents should see to it that they reassure and show their love towards him not once in a while, but as often as possible. Generally speaking, jealousy is stronger before 5 years when the child doesn’t have much of a sociai circle himself and is dependent on and wants the love of his parents. After the age of 6 years, the child starts having peer interaction and his attention is thus diverted.
The parents have different feelings for each of their child. Should parents love children equally? This question worries a lot of conscientious parents simply because they don’t love the children equally and therefore feel guilty about it. But this is expecting the impossible. Every child is different and therefore the parent’s feelings for it will also be different.
It is the feeling of particular irritation towards one child that makes the parents most guilty, especially if there is no clear reason for it. The parents may try to be constantly considerate to him and to overlook his bad behaviour, yet he may rub them the wrong way often. Good parents care for their children equally and want the best out of life for each of their children and will make necessary sacrifices to do so. Never compare the children amongst themselves. For e.g. saying something like “why can’t you be polite and well mannered like your sister?” is not advisable.
The children in the family often fight. Parents should keep out of it until it is harmful to one or the other child. Siding with one child or the other or trying to be judges as to what is fair and what is not, which child is to blame and which is innocent, is counter productive as the child don’t care for these things. They only want to come out victorious and the parents to side them. The children may also quarrel in the hope that the parents will vindicate them and scold the other. It is better to demand an end to the hostility, to refuse to listen to any arguments and explanations, to act uninterested and neutral.
Very often parents have to buy identical things for the children, identical in all aspects including colour. This is because the children suspiciously view the other’s toy, and if they find any difference, they clamour for it, thinking that it is a better one. No efforts on the part of the parents will convince them that such is not the case. They simply want the other toy.
In these situations, it is not wise to force the older one to partake his toy by the oft-heard reasoning “you are older and hence should be understanding.” True the older one may give it on insistence by the parents, but inside he feels resentment. He thinks that favouritism is going on. One of the ways out is to take them out to the market and let them choose for themselves what they want, so that they can’t very well complain about their own choice!
Sometimes children will fight over one toy with both of them wanting it at the same time. They will pull and tug at the toy and may even break it in the process! Or one of them may get slightly injured in the process. For the parents it is a testing time and usually they will take the side of the younger one and urge the older one to give it up, of course with the promise that after some time they will restore it back to him.
The older one, believe me, is not satisfied with this. To part the toy to the younger one is a “defeat” for him plus he feels resentment that the parents are always siding with the younger one, which is really the case in 99% instances. Remember that you can “fool” the younger one more easily. You can take him apart and in a conspiratorial tone tell him that you will give him something better.
At the same time you can tell the older one that he will give up the toy after some time to the younger one of his own accord. Generosity of such kind i.e. giving up one’s possessions to the younger one should come from within and for this the older child must be made to feel secure and loving first. Forcing a child to share or give up his possessions is not advisable, as the child will chafe at it and resent you and the younger one.