It is divided for simplification into 4 age groups: infancy (up to 1 year); toddler (1-3 years); preschool (3-6 years); and school going (more than 6 years). The psychological development in these groups is discussed below one by one.
Infancy (Up to 1 Year)
Contrary to common belief, a child below the age of 4 months cannot be “spoiled.” Therefore parents are encouraged to respond to every cry and distress of the child with immediate attention and love, and can pamper him a lot. Setting limits for older infants (more than 4 months) is important as they can use crying, fussiness etc. as a means for manipulation.
The key issue in infancy is formation of a strong emotional bond between the child and parents. These attachment bonds form the basis for a meaningful and fruitful human relationship throughout the life span. How to judge that such a bond is being formed satisfactorily?
• Social smile: A powerful criterion (during 1st 6 months) is “social smile.” The mother and child derive mutual pleasure in “talking” and interacting with each other. The child responds by feeling pleased and satisfied, which he overtly manifests as an innocent smile that he flashes off and on during such an emotional interaction. If the child does not smile back by the age of 3-4 months, there is something developmentally wrong with him or the child .is being grossly neglected emotionally by the parents.
• Separation anxiety: Another important criterion (after 6 months) is “separation anxiety.” A baby who is normally attached to his mother is at ease in the mother’s lap. If some stranger approaches him, he becomes wary, his facial expression changes and he turns towards the mother for reassurance. If taken off the mother’s lap by a stranger, the child may start crying. The child’s distress on seeing a strange face and further distress on separation from his mother indicates that the attachment process is proceeding normally.
Toddler (1-3 years)
• Self-esteem and “mirroring”:
A toddler is in a state of continuous love affair with this world. He is enamoured by his activities and excited by what he finds in the world around him. An important developmental aspect is the formation of a good “self-esteem.” For this the key concept is “mirroring”, namely the information the child gathers about himself by the facial expression and comments of those around him. If the parents feel delight in the toddler’s emerging skills and independence, this is reflected back to him as positive information about self. Over many years, the facial expressions and comments of parents become internalised within the child as deep-seated convictions about his self-worth.
If the child’s doings are met with a constant frown and displeasure from the parents, he will harbour feelings of negative self-worth. All children have feelings of both positive and negative self-worth. The overall balance depends on the parental and the societal approval and appreciation of his acts and skills versus the disapproval. Thus, a child gains insight about self from what the world around him reflects back.
• Autonomy and independence:
Another core issue is the desire to be autonomous and independent, which manifests itself as the child’s acquisition and frequent use of the word “NO.” Children’s use of ‘no’ either by verbal expression or in action through behavioural opposition signifies the powerful wish on their part to be in control of themselves. Because of this strong mindedness and the frequent use of ‘no’, this age is aptly termed the terrible “twos.”
• Parental-child conflict:
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in the parents reconciling to this is the poor judgement of the child at this age. “Rash and dangerous” impulses of the child (e.g. fiddling with the electrical outlets) elicit in the parents a sense of duty, which they have to fulfil by themselves saying “no” to the child. The first noticeable conflict between the child and the parents surfaces now, and while absolutely essential, is experienced as unpleasant by both. It portends disagreements in the future and places parents in the difficult position of “the heavy.”
Therefore the ideal way of child upbringing is to strike a balance: autonomous but harmless behaviour; though may appear seemingly foolish to parents, is supported, while dangerous and disruptive behaviour is consistently and calmly limited. Parents should not cave in and give in to every demand of the child in order to avoid a direct confrontation with the child and thus “smooth” the relationship, as this only leads to the child becoming a tyrant.
• Desire to please others:
Another very important point is the toddler’s wish and a powerful one, too, to please his parents with his actions. This should be reconciled with the child’s equally powerful wish for self-control. If the child’s playful explorations are not encouraged and his wish for autonomy is not respected i.e. by too many parental “noes”, he will try to prove that in other fields (commonly eating and toilet control); parents just cannot control him. If however, there has been an optimum balance and the child is not frustrated by too many “noes”, then he has the powerful urge to please his parents. The child will then internalize the parental attitudes and take pride and joy in accomplishing what the parents’ desire.
Pre-School Child (Age 3-6 years)
• Fantasy world: A world of fantasy surrounds the child. It may include the boastful wish to be big and powerful and to show it off. Pre-schoolers perceive themselves as the “centre of the universe.” They believe that everyone around them should be aware of their thoughts and pay due attention to them. Sibling rivalry is common at this age with competitive struggle for parental affection.
• Unrealistic fears: The “fantasy” thoughts of the child may manifest themselves as fears about ghosts, monsters, darkness etc. The pre-school stage of mental development comes to an end when the child learns to moderate his fantasies of power and privilege by identifying with the rules for self-control as well as reality.
The School-Age Child (more than 6 years)
The child becomes involved in organized peer group activities, where there are certain rules and codes of conduct. The child starts devoting time for the development of skills and academics. He starts having personal hobbies as a means of recreation and past time. At the same time they begin to exclude other children from certain activities, because they are perceived as not “suitable” for that particular activity. It is at this stage that parental expectations weigh down heavily on the child, particularly the parent’s desire for their child to excel in academics and other fields. Parents should avoid pressure on the child to perform according to their unrealistically high expectations, to avoid the emotional turmoil and depression in the child of failure to “live up” to his parent’s expectations.