It depends upon the following three important aspects:
1. Anatomical readiness: During the first year, the muscles of the lower half of the body including the muscles that control the sphincters of the bladder and bowel are yet not fully under the control of the nervous system. It is obvious that firstly, the child should gain neurological control over the muscles used for controlling defecation and urination, before he can be toilet trained. When this full neurological control comes differs from child to child. A similar analogy exists for walking also. As mentioned in another chapter (“Growth and Development”), the age at which a child starts walking differs from child to child.
Some may achieve it at the age of 1 year while others may achieve it as late as 18-21 months. This is due to a difference in the timing of the full neurological control of the muscles of the legs, and until that happens, the child simply cannot walk. Therefore, attempts to make the child walk before he is anatomically ready for it, is futile and simply a waste of the time and energy of the parents. I have encountered many parents who make their child “walk” with the help of the walker, under the mistaken belief that that their child will walk earlier. I am afraid it doesn’t quite happen that way, both for walking as well as for toilet training.
2. Cognitive (psychological) readiness:
The child may be anatomically ready for toilet training i.e. he may have attained full neurological control of the musculature; but he must also be ready psychologically for it. This comes a few months after the anatomical readiness. Before that the child doesn’t possess the ability to understand the elimination process and to solicit the necessary parental help in pursuit of this venture by means of clues.
How do the parents judge that their child is ready psychologically? This is by means of cues provided by the child whenever he has the urge to urinate or pass stools. This may be non-verbal e.g. the child may pause in what he is doing, there may be a sudden fleeting change in his facial expression or he may pull or tug at his diapers. It may also take be verbal in the form of grunting, or use of relatively clear language incorporating words relating to elimination process (as used by the parents).
3. Educational process: Toilet training is an educational process, rather than being disciplinary in nature. It is inherently obvious, but often overlooked, that the child is really the only person who can control the muscles and impulses of elimination. It should, therefore be equally obvious, but often it is not, that the parent’s main thrust should be in helping the child to exercise this control rather than taking matters in their own hands and forcing the child to be toilet trained. The child should be first made to understand the goal, and that is acceptance of the toilet as the appropriate place for elimination.
Once the child understands that stools and urine should be passed in the bathroom and that his parents want him to do so, he will try to do so. This is because of the child’s innate desire to please his parents (which is a powerful motivation for the child in achieving most of the developmental milestones).
The parents can then take the child to the toilet and make him assume the appropriate posture for elimination. All this should be done in a calm and relaxed fashion. It may happen quite a few times, that before they can put the child on the toilet, the child may already have eliminated. This should not discourage or frustrate the parents; rather they should regard it as a part of training.
After all, if the parents also undergo training in any field (say computers), they also will make many a mistake before they can learn the art. If the tutor thinks of his pupil as “good for nothing” and scolds him and ridicules him, the pupil will have a sense of insecurity and indecision. He is bound to create more errors and end up making a mess of the whole thing. In fact he may land up hating the training and not want to do it any further. On the other hand, if the tutor is patient and understanding that such errors are apt to take place and praises the pupil for even small achievements, the pupil will be encouraged and stimulated to give his best, and will end up completing the training successfully.
It holds true for toilet training also, where parents are the tutors and their child is the disciple. Parental praise and approval for small successes and progress is a very powerful stimulant for the child to master the art. The parents should also not be in a hurry to “finish” the course of “toilet training” within a particular time frame. Parents should be patient and willing to tolerate lapses on the part of the child, without getting angry with him or ridiculing him, because this will undermine his confidence and make the task of training more difficult.
It may sometimes happen that on picking up the clue from the child, you take him to the potty and make him sit there, but the child doesn’t eliminate even after a reasonable time period. On asking, the child may reply that he doesn’t have the urge. But as soon as you remove him from the potty seat, he may void in his pants. Or he may void before you can take him to the potty. You should be understanding under both situations, understand that the child is trying his best to learn and master the art. Under these circumstances, to blame the child and punish him or get angry with him is not rational. Be patient and understanding; he will definitely master the art; some may do it sooner, some may take some time.
But if the child is coerced to become toilet trained and the parents get angry and frustrated, the child will resent both the process of toilet training and the trainers’ i.e. the parents. Subconsciously, some children will harbour this resentment and to “take it out”, he will do just the opposite of what is desired of him. That is, he will try to displease his parents because that is his way of getting back at them. Whenever he makes the parents angry, he derives a sense of morbid satisfaction that his “doings” provoke the parents.
A good deal of trouble in the families centering on toilet training is due to this “war” between the parents and their child. And this war is nothing else but a battle for control i.e. who really is the “boss?” The parents feel that the child should follow whatever is told to him. The child, on the other hand, is at a stage when he is striving for autonomy and self-control.
He wants to do things in his own ways. One side or the other may win such wars, but the wars are never won without causing considerable damage and pain to both. (Incidentally, the “biggest war” fought between the parents and the child is over the issue of feeding and not toilet training). Parents should handle these important issues, delicately and with tact, letting the child believe that he is in control. The parental role should be to guide the child in achieving developmental progress. Battles only make things worse and complicated.
It is important to note that a total laissez fare attitude is also not the most useful attitude for the parents to adopt. They should make it clear to the child that toilet training is an important goal that the child should strive to attain and that they personally want the child to achieve it. And once the child is prepared psychologically for it, the role of the parents is largely to encourage the child in attaining this goal at his pace and not at their pace!