People with good coping skills are able to make painful emotions disappear from their mind by using one or more of several mental mechanisms listed below. People raised in functional, healthy families learn from their parents, relatives, teachers, pastors, siblings and other important people in their life many of these ‘tricks’ which help them to cope better. They also learn from reading books and religious scriptures how to cancel-out painful emotions.
Reasoning: (Explaining away a painful situation by logical thinking). Using logical thinking, one is able to make some sense of a painful situation so that it becomes less threatening and more acceptable. For example, death of a loved one becomes more acceptable when one rationalizes that all living things have to die some day. We lose everyone we love by means of death, breakup or a move. A person with religious fervor might say that the dead person is now with Jesus.
If your stocks go down in value, you will remind yourself that you knew the risks fully before you bought the stock, and you would think the stock price would rise once again. That is the nature of the beast. If you build your house on New Madrid earthquake fault, you will not panic when the earth starts rumbling. You will remind yourself that this is what you should expect to happen from time to time. One must keep in mind, however, that rationalizing a bad situation to cope with it is different from rationalizing a bad behavior. For example, a man having an extramarital affair could rationalize that his affair gave him a chance to make up for what he missed-out in his adolescence.
A young man retired from the army felt chronically guilty over the fact that his close friend died in combat trying to protect him. He had a long chat with his grandfather, a Korean war veteran himself, who reasoned with him that his guilt was irrational. The dead friend would have wanted him to do the same thing for him under similar circumstance. Feeling guilty would be an insult to his dead friend’s memory. The young man’s guilt disappeared.
Changing perception: Looking at a cup as half full instead of half empty is a crude example. We try to see a situation in a different a light. A hostile and hypercritical boss is seen as insecure rather than evil. His behavior indicates that he has a need to cut down others to make himself feel better. An intrusive mother-in-law is perceived as not nosy, but lonely. A teacher angry at you for not attending his class does not hate you but misses you in his class.
A 58 year old woman was distraught over a situation with her elderly parents who were in their mid nineties. They both suffered from early Alzheimer’s. They refused to be put in a nursing home. Every day, when the daughter visited them, she found out that they had not eaten well, had not taken their medications and had not bathed. When she gave them their medications, they would scream, yell and scold her angrily. Everyday, she had to go through this painful ordeal. Their scolding and name-calling became unbearable to her. She felt very stressed and depressed. She did not know what to do.
I asked her, ‘Who are these people” She replied, ‘They are my parents!’ I argued, ‘No. They are not your parents.’ Baffled by my statement she asked, ‘What do you mean they are not my parents! They are my parents!’ I said, ‘They were your parents. They are no longer your parents.’ She asked, puzzled, ‘Who are they now” I said, ‘Now they are your children. You will have to look at them as if they are your children. They don’t know what is best for them. Just as you put your foot down with your children, you will now have to start putting your foot down with them. Just as you ignored your children’s protests when you told them what they did not want to hear, you will have to ignore what these children tell you now.’ A big smile of relief appeared on her thus far depressed and tense face.
Putting things in perspective : One looks at the bad situation from a larger perspective and finds it not so bad after all. You might have lost some money in one stock, but you have made gains in other stocks. Having to quit a job might make things difficult for one for a short time. In the long run, though, it might be the best thing that ever happened to him. A student might drop out of school for one full year, but the lost year is only one of 80 years in his life span. The bottom line is one evaluates a situation as part of the entire picture as in, ‘We have lost a battle, not the war.’
Humor : One can laugh off one’s fear, anger or frustration by making a joke about the situation causing those emotions. Making jokes about a stupid boss is an example. When an irate lady friend of Sir Winston Churchill told him in half jest, ‘If I were your wife, I would have given you poison!’ Sir Winston is said to have replied dryly, ‘If I were your husband I would have gladly drunk it!’ People with good sense of humor live long. The next time your basement floods, make a joke about it: I never thought someday I could afford an indoor pool!
Neutralizing emotions : We can neutralize various painful emotions in the mind by taking certain actions: Anger is neutralized with forgiveness; fear with faith, reassurance and courage; helplessness with action; hopelessness with hope and prayer; shame with public exposure; guilt with seeking forgiveness or by compensation; sadness with solace; humiliation with dignity; hurt with self-comforting or solace; frustration with patience; disappointment with acceptance; embarrassment with dignity; terror with fortitude; hate with kindness, etc. We learn these coping ways from our parents and from the religious teachings while growing up. Great religious texts such as Bible are treasures of these coping ways. To successfully apply neutralization, one must be spiritually inclined. For one to be able to do the above, one must be in touch with his inner goodness. Many stressed-out people are out of touch with their spirituality.
People with Absolute Faith in God or Destiny cope very well with stress. Faith cancels-out fear. Faith in Destiny gives one freedom from fear. For example people who think that they will go only when their time comes -no later and no earlier- go about their lives without worrying about their plane blowing up in the air or their train being sprayed with nerve gas by terrorists. They sleep soundly the night when their16 year old gets the license to drive his car. They know and accept that they are powerless to change what is destined to happen or what is God’s will. Such a belief system gives them peace of mind.