To solve a nagging problem, one must be aware of the problem, must be willing to admit having it, and must have the skill and relentless determination to solve it. If one does not have the necessary skill, he must enlist the help of a professional (doctor, lawyer, accountant, etc.) to solve the problem. Invariably, one will be required to take certain actions and make certain sacrifices in order to solve a hounding problem:
Take a stand, make a move, cut a deal, confront, back off, give up, give in, walk away, run for life, change, demand change, let go, make a decision, sacrifice, move on, withdraw, act decisively, cut off, breakup, intervene, precipitate a crisis, expose, be more assertive, be more passive, or whatever it takes.
With or without the help of professionals, the problem must be solved so that painful emotions stop coming into the mind. The pump must be turned off. Once the problem is solved, one feels better immediately. If one stays trapped in a problem, painful emotions keep accumulating and, sooner or later, his balloon would pop and he would become sick.
Being trapped in a bad marriage or a bad job are common examples of a bad problem. Unsolved, both these problems lead to a stress-related disorder.
Taking certain steps in solving problems is easier said than done. Most who are trapped in a life situation are not even aware of it; those who are aware, do not want to admit; those who admit, do not want to pay the price to get out of the situation they are in. They come up with a number of excuses why the problem can not be solved: I have bills to pay; I will lose my health insurance; I am too old to do this; I feel too scared to do that; I feel guilty to do this; I am too weak to change that; I am too insecure to do this; I don’t want to hurt anyone, and what have you.
An insecure middle-aged man’s health started going down hill ever since a new boss was appointed over him two years earlier. He lived in fear of being fired anytime. He received unsatisfactory job reviews several times. No matter what he did, his boss was not happy. He developed numerous stress symptoms and went on a fruitless medical wild goose chase. When asked if he had any stress in life, he would say, ‘No!’ He felt trapped in his job for several reasons: If he left the job, he would have difficulty getting another comparable job; he would lose his health insurance, seniority, etc.; he would have to dip into his savings; so on and so forth.
Unable to give up all these, he kept suffering month after month and year after year. He had neither the skill to solve his problem with the boss, nor the self-confidence to make it out there if he left his job; nor the willingness to give up his financial security to preserve his physical and emotional health. Obviously his priorities were not straight. His job performance deteriorated rapidly and ultimately he was fired from his job. The trauma of this popped his balloon and he was hospitalized for serious depression. Soon after that he declared himself ‘totally and permanently disabled’ and applied for Social Security Disability. I just could not save him from all this.
Here is an example of appropriate problem solving: An aggressive, insensitive and haughty administrator was appointed over a young, inexperienced and somewhat insecure doctor by the hospital board. No sooner was this administrator on board than he went around, like a bull in the china shop, making major changes in the hospital. He openly put down the staff, wrote critical comments on the patient charts, pitted staff against staff, and threw frequent temper tantrums in staff meetings.
Intimidating the staff was his way of improving the hospital. All this was extremely upsetting to the young doctor as well as other staff members. As time passed, the administrator became even more hostile and intrusive. It was unthinkable for anyone to confront the administrator as they risked being fired from his job. As the young doctor’s balloon inflated, he began to lose sleep, have anxiety spells and other stress symptoms.
The young doctor finally realized that his choices were narrowed down to either leaving his job or confronting his boss. Leaving the job would pose a major problem as he just had his first baby and bought a new house in the country. A move would be a major setback financially and emotionally. The doctor decided to confront his boss with his behavior and face the consequences.
He went to his boss’s office and asked to talk with him. The boss asked him haughtily what it was all about. Just then the young doctor saw a wilted, almost dry Zebra plant on the side table. He had seen the same plant in its lush green glory just a week before. The doctor asked the administrator, ‘I wonder what happened to that poor plant’ Last week it looked so great!’ The administrator said impatiently, ‘Well, last Friday evening I watered that plant just as I left my office. The dirt under the plant was so dry I had to dig around it with a knife to make it absorb the water fast. I guess I cut off all the roots in the process! When I came to the office on Monday, it was like this!’
The young doctor gently slapped his own forehead with his hand and exclaimed, ‘Oh! I see! I should have known better than ask you about it! That is your style!!!’
The administrator’s face became beet red. His eyes became tearful. He leaned back in his chair, took a deep breath and asked, ‘Is that really my style”
The young doctor nodded and said, ‘Well, for some time now I have been feeling just like that Zebra plant over there!’ And then he left the office. The wizened administrator was never the same again. The problem was thus solved once and for all.
A bad problem can not be solved without one’s willingness to sacrifice something he cherishes such as money, time, relationship, security, etc. The main question is what is important to him. In his pursuit of solution, one hangs on to what he cherishes the most and sacrifices other things he cherishes less. A person to whom security is most important, all else, including his health, independence and self respect come next.
Here is an example of poor problem solving skill: A 50 year old man came down with a serious case of depression due to various stressful events and situations in life. Instead of getting psychiatric help, he promptly quit his job and applied for Social Security Disability. When asked why he never bothered to get professional help for his depression he replied, ‘I don’t have the money.’ He then went on to reveal that he had just bought a boat worth $ 5,000 believing that boating would cure his depression. I can give the reader countless such examples of stupidity that defy common sense.
Our problem solving skills are often passed on to us by important figures in our childhood and adolescence. Absent parents or parents who have little skills in problem- solving (E. g. teenage parents) means their kids would grow up learning little problem-solving skills. Explains why millions of people are growing up in this country today with poor problem-solving skills.